Time Starts Now

Today's blog is neither amusing or insightful. It is.. a personal update.

I have spent the last 2 days sitting in my house. I have gone nowhere, done nothing, contributed nothing to anyone. I have spent no time in deep contemplative thought. I have scrubbed nothing. I have accomplished nothing. I'm OK with all that for right now.

I spend a great deal of time and energy over the last month running to and fro. Fixing, correcting, carrying, facilitating, cajoling, encouraging, visiting. For someone who is out of work, I have been on the go more than when I was working. There is something deeply wrong with that picture. It is lopsided. I am off work to recover from a work-acquired injury that required surgery to fix. I am supposed to be gently working my knee in PT back to a state that will enable it to take me back to work. Instead, I have used it as an excuse to "do" for everyone but myself.

I am exhausted. I have taken two days to rest. Tomorrow it starts again. I am making a promise to myself here and now. I will be kinder to myself. I will be considerate of myself. I have run my poor old body into the ground, and that is poor stewardship, indeed. A friend of mine used to say that we can start over fresh, anytime we want to. he would say, "Time starts now." I like that. Although I am more of a technology person, and a reset button has charm, I declare that Time Starts Now.

I have battled depression over the years. I have taken medication from time to time and it works for awhile. I was told that as a Christian all the joy I need is in God. I believe that. I guess that makes me a SAD-Ventist. Christian and still sad. When it gets to the point that I do not get off the couch, bathe or eat for days on end, however, it is time to do something differently. So if I am starting Time over, I also vow here and now, to seek some medical help. I am really no good to anyone like this, and certainly not to myself. Marvin was able to shake me out of it. I think he is the only one who ever has been able to. Somebody asked me if I miss him. My response was and is, "Only when I breathe." I also used to be able to go to the garden and get dirty and sweaty. Plant something, weed something, pick something and feel SO much better. I don't have a yard here in the city. Oh well.

Most of what I have lost over the last couple of years is "stuff". I really don't care that much about stuff. The house, the cars, the electronics - things I had to sell to make ends meet. Who cares? It's the people I have lost that really take it's toll. Marvin's passing, Krystina leaving to live with her mother. Some of these things cannot be helped. Some may have been preventable if I had only done things differently. But I didn't. So if Time is to start Now, I need to hit the reset button on regrets and self-recrimination as well.

Oh! Good news - I have been 30 days now without smoking cigarettes. Yeas - I know - BAD-Ventist. It's a disgusting habit I picked up years ago and in times of stress I backslide. So shoot me. I have been 30 days without it again and that is an accomplishment.

Stay tuned - I'll let you know how it all works out.

Sue