My car is a wonderful vehicle. But it's a little older and has issues. the check engine light won't go off, the fluid levels won't stay up. The driver's side window has fallen down into the door, requiring the purchase of an expensive ribbon-looking devise to hold it in place. Gas mileage is horrible and I can't take it anywhere non-local for fear that it will simply... die. I took the kids to Rochester a few weeks back - 45 minute drive. It caused one of the tires to explode! Not a flat tire, noooo. Literally the side wall of the tire blew off on the thruway at 65 miles per hour. Want to see? Look to the left. I am not kidding - just blew up.
Now, we were on our way to the closest 5Guys and that may or may not have been a Sign from God that perhaps He does not want my arteries clogged with animal fat. So I'll take this one. But since then the window thing happened and check engine light and.. you get the idea. Recently in a very scary thunderstorm, I was required to get creative in protecting my vehicle from the elements. Would you like to see that? hmmmm?I have been advised to trade it in. One problem - it's paid for. It's mine - outright. I can't afford a car payment. Period. I can barely afford the insurance (liability only) on this one. I live in Buffalo.. 'nuf said.
My knee has been the source of pain and restriction since I hurt it at work on April 9, 2010. I torn the meniscus in my left knee - twice. the first time was pushing a non-electric bed back from Radiology with a guy in in who had a chest tube. Bed went one way, I went the other, my knee twisted, popped, but i kept going. Got the guy back to his room, iced myself down and finished my shift. Limping, but it was Friday, had the weekend off and Monday too - rest, ice, elevate. I know what to do. Been a nurse for 35 years and don't know how to do this? pshawww. Tuesday back to work - feeling better, call light goes off right next to me. I turned into to the room to answer it and pop. No, that's not true - it was POP in my left knee. Emergency Room via wheelchair. X-Rays negative. Cannot bear weight. Employee health gives me the list of doctors and off I go to see the orthopedic guy who tells me I need an MRI. Surgery, PT and here I am - limping, sore and still not working. So what, right? Didn't I get in the mail today notification that Work Comp is requesting an IME?? Independent medical Exams are requested by insurance companies when they think that the patient whose wages they are partially covering are full of shit and need to get back to work and stop whining. July 15, 2010 @ 0930 I have an appointment with their doctor. I must bring with me every scrap of evidence that i shouldn't go back to pushing beds and wiping butts immediately. It should be fine - I am genuinely not faking, so that should be obvious, but it's more freaking stress! No pictures - sorry.
Social Security Administration. These vipers are amazing! Background story. Marvin E. Lewis died Thanksgiving morning 2006, leaving behind a grieving widow (me) and a daughter who may never recover from that trauma of losing her Dad so young. She was 14. On the advise of Hospice ( Thank GOD for them - they are wonderful. Donate to them. ) I applied to Social Security for survivors benefits for both of us. We were, of course, approved. I got a job before I ever saw the first check for me, but Krystina's checks started in March 2007 and continued without pause monthly. They were not big, but they allowed her to have some of the stuff that she would have otherwise have gone without - glasses, boxing lessons, field trips, like that. But I digress. One year later the decision was made that she would go live with her birth mother. That's a whole other blog and we will NOT explore that here. I gave her the $400. in savings that I had set aside for Krys and her SS checks started the next month at her new home in Buffalo. No problem, right?
Fast forward to present. Social Security wants $8,608 from me saying that I was overpaid. WHAT!!?? Never happened. I called them and they would not discuss it with me because I was no longer Krystina's legal guardian. Today in the mail - my wages are being garnished for $8,608. starting immediately. On what planet can these things happen? How can there be no recourse - no hearing, no process? I am just to quietly sit back and let this happen? I don't even know what to do next. I cannot afford a lawyer - I'm out on Work Comp - and that is under review.
Money. Let me tell the truth. When I have money I am able to pay my bills and do normal things, like pick up a little outfit for my grandkids, I am happy. Simple things like put blinds on my windows and .. oh I dunno - get the car fixed. That is not the case now - and hasn't been for a while. Since moving back to Buffalo I have struggled financially in ways that I only saw on TV. I lived with my daughter, son-in-law and brand new baby for the first few months back here. During that time, my job was delayed and my car totalled by a Buffalo Police Cruiser. Delightful. I got my apartment 3 months later, but could not afford gas, so I boiled water on the stove and bathed in the sink. I had no refrigerator or stove, but made do with a microwave, hot plate and a styrofoam cooler until one of my daughter's friends gave me a camper fridge from his garage. Wonderful - seriously - it was heavenly. I have not been able to do any of the things I used to take for granted. Out to Lunch is a memory. Vacation is a fantasy. Road trip... well - see above. :-) Money is a tool, not a goal - that has always been my view of it. Still is. But now I have an empty toolbox and it doesn't look like it will ever be useful again. i have about 2K in retirement saved, no savings, have sold everything valuable to keep utilities on and a roof over my head. I am out of options. Only God can provide at this point.
Lonely I can tell you from lonely. I miss Marvin every single day of my life. Every breath I take is a reminder that he cannot. He used to say, "All we have is each other." He said it so often that I believed it. Now what, smartass? I am that miserable creature in the corner, covered in ashes. I am "that lady". Don't feel sorry for me, though, because i put myself here. I put all my eggs in one basket. I painted myself into a corner. Pick a metaphor - it applies.
I can't imagine going on the prowl for a new husband, I cannot bear this feeling of being alone. I don't have the juts-pa to turn tricks, and am not slender or cute enough to be a Cougar. So I sit in the house, waiting for Physical Therapy appointments. I go nowhere, I do nothing. Alone.
Maybe that's the idea - maybe I am supposed to be reduced to utter despair so that God is the only one I can turn to in all of creation. It's a really cruel plan if it is true. I don't believe that God is intentionally cruel. So back to square 1 - What the heck?!?
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